Today was not great. I had to put out a rather nasty fire for a boss who was upset with me for the first time ever. I do not like messing up and stress is a big fat #triggerwarning for my anxiety. So I just powered through, had a long, get-to-know you lunch of mussels and pommes frites with another boss and soothed myself with knowing that my cat teepee will be delivered this afternoon.
Speaking of self-soothing, I watched Temple Grandin last night. My first freak out came during the credits when Catherine O’Hara’s name popped up. I love her and anything she does. My next freak out was over how much I empathized with Temple. Being a “different” kid is hard — I used to get in trouble for spacing out or obsessively drawing concentric circles in crayon all over my desk. I’m not saying I have any disability/am differently-abled, just that I was extremely introverted, shy and, well, smart. I didn’t have a great time relating to kids my age. I am much different now, but I still need my alone time to feel balanced and completely Sarah. I get stressed when I don’t have time to just relax and chill inside my head for a couple hours without any deadlines or appointments to think about. In the narrative of my depression and anxiety, I’ve found that I need more and more time alone the worse I feel. Sometimes I’ll just sleep all day, turn off my phone and close all the curtains. I just can’t stand to have to world intrude on me sometimes. The scenes of Temple in her squeeze machine were incredibly touching. Lane was working late and I had quite a visceral reaction — I wanted to be hugged and held too and I felt a little empty when I couldn’t just reach out and literally grab it. Conclusion: Temple is terrific, it sometimes sucks being a weird kid and hugs are good.